My Spiritual Awakening
In 2009, I was in bad shape. I worked, I drank, I slept very little. From the outside, my life looked fine, but on the inside, I was miserable. Desperate for help, I saw a hypnotist who asked me what my life would look like if it was perfect. Then she hypnotized me to install new beliefs that would lead to that perfect life. She told me to listen to the one-hour session, which she’d recorded, every day for a month. I did. Nothing happened. Or so I thought.
Shortly after my month of hypnosis ended, I got angry at my husband over the one thing we ever fought about—his son who, at 17, was living the good life. No responsibilities, all his needs met, and lots of partying. I thought my husband should at least make him get a job as he wasn’t going to school. My husband didn’t want to interfere in his son’s life. It upset me and I honestly thought that everyone on Earth would agree with my side. On this night, my husband ended the argument by going to bed. I walked into the kitchen, put my hand on the counter, and heard a loud voice ask, “What if you’re wrong?”
I wasn’t surprised by the voice as I’d heard it before. What did surprise me was the rage that filled me in response to the question. And that’s where the hypnosis proved to have had an effect, because there was enough of a crack in my mind that a part of me was able to look at the rage and calmly think, “Well, this is interesting.”
I decided to just watch the rage to see if I could find out what was causing such an outsized reaction. For the next few days, that’s what I did. I did not speak to my husband during this time because I knew if I did my ego would get involved again. I spoke as little to my son and stepson as possible without seeming rude. I wasn’t angry at any of them anymore. I was just filled with rage at the possibility of being wrong. It was so intense that at one point I heard the thought, “If I’m wrong I might as well just drive into that sound wall.” But I was also still watching with great curiosity, so the next thought was, “That’s a little extreme, isn’t it?”
Finally I woke around three one morning and knew it was time. I went into the living room and sat on the couch, all the while watching the rage. It quickly transformed into grief and I cried for awhile. Then I was left with a flat feeling and I heard the thought, “Don’t stay here. This is where you always are.” So I watched the flat feeling until it left and was replaced by more grief.
The grief was followed by more anger and more grief, and the emotions felt like they were coming up from inside me and leaving through the top of my head. Then I heard, “Here comes the shame” and shame ripped through me very quickly. As it exited the body, I saw that I had been seeing everyone else as part of the universe, getting their own needs met, and myself as outside of it. I realized how ludicrous that was and saw that of course I was getting my own needs met. I was instantly filled with bliss and in love with absolutely everything.
The Start of the Journey
That feeling stayed with me for about four days. Then, because I still had a whole lot of ego to let go of, it left and I returned to normal. (So much ego. When I was in the bliss, I once heard the thought, “I can be a spiritual guru!” Lol.) But I had seen and, most importantly felt, the truth. I knew that we are love, joy, and peace, and that it was possible to feel that which we are. I knew that life could be different.
My journey since then has been to clear myself of all the trapped emotions and false beliefs that are not me so I can get back to feeling the bliss of being here on Earth. Some days I feel it; other days I’m still processing pain—emotional and physical.
After all these years of working on myself, I’m so much more myself than I was back then. In the few days after the spiritual awakening, I attended a party at which most guests were the host’s clients and so didn’t know anyone. I had been shy all my life and surprised myself by chatting people up and introducing them to one another. Now I can see that I was getting a taste of the real me, before social conditioning and emotional backlog took place—the me I had come to Earth to be.
There’s still work to be done. Sometimes it feels like it’s never-ending. I don’t know if I’ll ever achieve the state of peace and joy I had following the spiritual awakening on a permanent basis—I don’t even know if that’s desirable because why come to a world of duality and not feel everything, right? But I live authentically now, free to be myself in every moment, and I take great joy in the small things. That in itself is well worth taking the healing journey.